LIVE DEADLINE DAY MADNESS!

In: Premier League

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*110% not true!

16:15pm

Breaking! Payet misses jellied eels and wants West Ham return!

15:36pm UPDATE

Update: Barcelona have countered with a stadium tour for one instead!

15:12pm

Tottenham chairman Daniel Levy offers Dele Ali and Harry Kane to Barcelona in exchange for a season ticket at the Nou Camp!

14:47pm

Irishman Robbie Keane to join 'boyhood' club Bayern Munich in shock move!

14:23pm Spotted

Cristiano Ronaldo in a Stoke café eating egg and chips! Is he thinking about a move?

14.11pm BAD NEWS

West Brom have confirmed they won’t be signing anyone in January. Chairman John Williams said: “I regret to inform you that boss Tony Pulis has spent the entire budget on new caps!”

13.51pm

Developing: Arsene Wenger is still weighing up whether he needs Neymar for 1 pence. He said: “I want him, but can we get him? You tell me!”

13.33pm

Update: Andros has run out of petrol and broken down on the motorway. He’s going nowhere!

13.15pm LEAKED

Sunderland’s top targets have been revealed as: Marouane Fellaini, David Luiz and Willian. David Moyes responded: “I just want someone with an afro!”

13.08pm FELL ASLEEP

BREAKING We just dozed off there – sorry about that!

11.55am

Hull City have signed Dayotchanculle Upamecano from RB Leipzeig in an attempt to make more money from shirt sales. New boss Marco Silva said: “How do you say it? Uppy-Car-No?!”

11.37AM

Reports from Italy say Juventus are set to do all they can to re-sign Paul Pogba from United. “We’ll even use his emoji on our shirts – just come back Paul,” a transfer chief said!

11.12am

Developing story from the Emirates: Neymar has had a major bust-up with Barca chiefs and been offered to Arsenal for 1p! Arsene Wenger has said he’ll think about it.

10.45am

Watford confirm mascot Harry The Hornet will now play in the first team, ending their hunt for a new striker. His first game will be tonight at Arsenal!

10.15am DONE DEAL

Little Sam has signed Suarez from Barca for £20m – but the wrong one! Big Sam had this to say: “We’re delighted to sign Denis Suarez – albeit he’s not the player we wanted. Not many Palace gaffers can say they signed Suarez, so who cares!”

9.37am BREAKING

A deal for Luis Suarez to Crystal Palace is close, according to MOTD mag sources

9.05am

Everton have had a bid of £400 million toffees for Man. City’s Fabian Delph rejected. A City spokesperson said: “The lack of money in the deal was the sticking point!”

8am

Big Sam has ordered Little Sam to fly to Spain and secure the signing of Luis Suarez for Crystal Palace!

ROONEY! Smashed it in MLS and honoured by England against USA!

JOKANOVIC! First Prem boss to get the chop despite spending £100m on players!